Ask the Medical "Doctor"

((Oh, my goodness, I’ve been so busy over on my role-playing account, that I completely forgot...

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 21:22:17 -0500

((Oh, my goodness, I’ve been so busy over on my role-playing account, that I completely forgot about this blog! I’m surprised I still have people following this blog, especially after that long hiatus.

Uh… if anyone wants to ask the “doctor,” then I guess go right ahead? I just have to remember to log in here and answer stuff. I kinda lost my muse for this wacky doctor, so I’ll have to get into his kind of mood and be the know-it-all specialist that Spaceman is.))

HELP ME! I'm steadily growing, help! LC

Wed, 18 Jul 2012 11:49:24 -0500

You’re steadily growing? This is certainly a problem. Here’s what you need. Four horses, a lot of rope, an assistant to whip the horses, and of course a soda. You gotta rehydrate yourself afterwards.

takes 50 of the coupons I'll take a visit... sees Phazon all over the place, passes over 50 bucks for a visit

Sat, 07 Jul 2012 01:01:14 -0500

…

I'm a human being infected with Phazon... Can you stop the Phazon from spreading to my min-Oh, crap. PHAZON MADNESS ACQUIRED

Sat, 07 Jul 2012 00:57:38 -0500

Again. Would you like to be admitted? I have a “Buy one visit, get one visit free!” coupon.

pours Phazon all over you Take one of your PURPLE PILLS now. I have a mad craving for killing people with Phazon. Help!

Sat, 07 Jul 2012 00:56:37 -0500

Well, for one. Phazon is only blue goo. And two, that blue goo does not exist. So your killing crave with Phazon is all in your mind. Would you like to be admitted?

A male friend of mine is pregnant somehow. Help!

Wed, 04 Jul 2012 00:51:23 -0500

Ah. Did this friend of yours become a man recently? That could be the problem. Some quack didn’t operate correctly. Bring your friend in so we can see how the baby is doing!

I don’t recommend absorption because there’s a baby in there, and even though it’s gross like Alien, that could be their child someday.

A cookie a day keeps the doctor away. Put down that cookie, Liz...

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 12:03:50 -0500

A cookie a day keeps the doctor away. Put down that cookie, Liz Lemon!

What is your opinion of aliens?

Sun, 17 Jun 2012 15:36:10 -0500

Why, aliens are our friends from radioactive space. But this isn’t a medical emergency, is it?

Some of the people I follow are actual aliens from other universes. But I have to warn you about those Xenomorphs. They can paint the town red when they’re not happy. But I do that when I’ve had too much to drink during surgery.

Dr. Spaceman! I tried to look up "Black Market" in google maps but the nearest one is in New York City! My ballet recital is tonight and my friend has two left feet (another medical issue I've been meaning to talk to you about)!

Sat, 16 Jun 2012 22:43:04 -0500

If the black markets are not an option, then Wal-Greens should do the job. Just ask for purple pills at the counter and mention my name. They should give you the pills there.

As for your friend having two left feet, has he heard of cutting off the right “left” foot? He can replace this foot with a wheel, but I would have to register him as a motor vehicle. Oh, but you two have switched bodies, so go have the foot replaced with a wheel and I will be happy to register you as a vehicle today.

I can ask myself? I need to lay off the medicine.

Sat, 16 Jun 2012 22:40:40 -0500

Oh. When did this happen?

Dr. Spaceman!!! My friend and I have found ourselves in a Freaky Friday type situation! How do we get back to normal!? Help!

Sat, 16 Jun 2012 18:56:41 -0500

It’s Friday, Friday, time to…ugh! That annoying song keeps playing in my head.

Okay, so you and your friend have switched bodies. In my medical opinion, I’m guessing this happened due to a crazy fortune cookie or freaky voodoo. Here’s what you can do. You can either have a little fun living your friend’s life, or if you want to get back to normal, I recommend getting some purple pills. You can find these at your local black market. Once you buy these pills, bring them to me and you will go back to normal.

Oh Jenna. She cracks me up. No, seriously. She cracked some of...

Sat, 16 Jun 2012 18:18:29 -0500

Oh Jenna. She cracks me up. No, seriously. She cracked some of my bones when I told her she shouldn’t go on the Live Show because she was too drunk. Or was she not drunk enough…? I don’t remember. It had something to do with alcohol and she went insane. If she wasn’t an actress, I would have sent her to a psychiatrist.

Ointments and Plastic Bags That Represent Your Death

Sat, 16 Jun 2012 16:36:00 -0500

Dr. Spaceman: All right, now that the popsicle’s melted we’ve got ourselves a tongue depressor.
Liz Lemon: I wanted you to look at these cold sores. I get them when I’m stressed out.
Dr. Spaceman: Ah they’re nothing to be ashamed of. I get them from prostitutes.
Liz Lemon: I just had a hard couple months. Work has been crazy and I went through a bad breakup and then there was this plastic bag that represented my death.
Dr. Spaceman: Sounds like you could use a little R&R. Rum and Ritalin.
Liz Lemon: Actually I was hoping you’d just have an ointment for my mouth.
Dr. Spaceman: Gross.
Liz Lemon: Cuz I’m dealing with the stress thing. Over the break I’m renting a cottage out in the Hamptons. There’s just four things I want to do this summer: be outdoors, wear shapeless clothing, do some mindless activity like gardening, and learn Spanish.
Dr. Spaceman: There are four things I want to do this summer, but they’re roommates so it’s tricky. All right, here’s a prescription for your cold sores and here’s a blank one for the weekend. Now one final thing. Why aren’t you wearing pants?

Erectile Dysfunction Cure

Sat, 16 Jun 2012 10:34:21 -0500

Erectile Dysfunction Cure

Say no more. If it’s giving people meat, then I’m...

Sat, 16 Jun 2012 00:19:11 -0500

Say no more. If it’s giving people meat, then I’m on board. I’ve always said Humans need more animal blood. It keeps the spine straight.

"Erectile dysfunction. It’s not just a dog problem anymore. It also affects millions of men...."

Sat, 16 Jun 2012 00:09:03 -0500

“Erectile dysfunction. It’s not just a dog problem anymore. It also affects millions of men. I’m “Doctor” Leo Spaceman. For too long, erectile dysfunction has been viewed as a physical problem, and it’s been treated with pills and ointments and contraptions whose straps break all too easily. But couldn’t the real cause of E.D. be that we haven’t produced a good “doing it” song since “Close The Door” by Teddy Pendergrass? That’s why I recorded an album.”

- Doctor Spaceman (http://www.30rockquotes.net)

What? She mad, right?

Fri, 15 Jun 2012 23:56:17 -0500

What? She mad, right?

Shut it down! No! I wanted to watch another episode of Gold...

Fri, 15 Jun 2012 23:23:44 -0500

Shut it down!

No! I wanted to watch another episode of Gold Case!

Um, I have ADHD, and I take Concerta for it. Is there a way to remove it?

Fri, 15 Jun 2012 22:14:00 -0500

You want to remove your ADHD or the Concerta? Oh well, it has the same answer. There’s no right answer to get rid of it. Here’s what you do. Get another person to scare you to death. That should clear out the ADHD and/or the Concerta.

Like I said. There’s no right way to do this. Use your imagination. My friend had this problem and was healed after seeing his mother…uhh…end of story. You don’t need to hear that.

Eh. What's up, Doc? bites a carrot

Fri, 15 Jun 2012 15:08:07 -0500

Bugs Bunny! I’m doing fine, other than having to stab that dog the other night. I thought you died of old age, since you know, you were created a long time ago.

Ask the Medical "Doctor"

((Oh, my goodness, I’ve been so busy over on my role-playing account, that I completely forgot...

HELP ME! I'm steadily growing, help! LC

*takes 50 of the coupons* I'll take a visit... *sees Phazon all over the place, passes over 50 bucks for a visit*

I'm a human being infected with Phazon... Can you stop the Phazon from spreading to my min-Oh, crap. *PHAZON MADNESS ACQUIRED*

*pours Phazon all over you* Take one of your PURPLE PILLS now. I have a mad craving for killing people with Phazon. Help!

A male friend of mine is pregnant somehow. Help!

A cookie a day keeps the doctor away. Put down that cookie, Liz...

What is your opinion of aliens?

Dr. Spaceman! I tried to look up "Black Market" in google maps but the nearest one is in New York City! My ballet recital is tonight and my friend has two left feet (another medical issue I've been meaning to talk to you about)!

I can ask myself? I need to lay off the medicine.

Dr. Spaceman!!! My friend and I have found ourselves in a Freaky Friday type situation! How do we get back to normal!? Help!

Oh Jenna. She cracks me up. No, seriously. She cracked some of...

Ointments and Plastic Bags That Represent Your Death

Erectile Dysfunction Cure

Say no more. If it’s giving people meat, then I’m...

"Erectile dysfunction. It’s not just a dog problem anymore. It also affects millions of men...."

What? She mad, right?

Shut it down! No! I wanted to watch another episode of Gold...

Um, I have ADHD, and I take Concerta for it. Is there a way to remove it?

Eh. What's up, Doc? *bites a carrot*

takes 50 of the coupons I'll take a visit... sees Phazon all over the place, passes over 50 bucks for a visit

I'm a human being infected with Phazon... Can you stop the Phazon from spreading to my min-Oh, crap. PHAZON MADNESS ACQUIRED

pours Phazon all over you Take one of your PURPLE PILLS now. I have a mad craving for killing people with Phazon. Help!

Eh. What's up, Doc? bites a carrot